I may be heart-broken... But I ain't sad....

I maybe heartbroken... but I ain't sad...
On the fast track to get my life back...
Got a pen and a notepad.. to note down what went wrong in all of that..
But there is only one conclusion I got so far... After clearing up all the mud and the tar...
I see that I gave in to everything you said... making me look like a fool beleiving in all that crap...
I wanted to share whatever I had with you.. Thinking that it'll grow aslong as we're true (to eachother)...
To eachother's feelings we'll respect and care... not leaving behind one an other in this world's fair...
But reality broke it down to me.. I was getting nothing but lies and deceit...
Shall I frown or pass this as a mistake... that you didn't know I raised the stakes...
Cause I wanted it to last not fall apart in the middle... didn't want it to sound like a difficult riddle...
But if its this then I don't mind... Cause I might be heartbroken but I ain't loosing my mind...

- Maddy -
1st june, 2007... 0110 am...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thats true...
Now I ain't loosing my mind.... Not anymore!

Since the day....

Since the day when I came to a halt...
Since the day your love and care stopped...
I've made a world of my own to hide...
A world which is alien to your cruetly and smite...
A world so tender and pure...
Like the love and care that we once endured...
Since the day you left without a goodbye...
Shying away to see me eye to eye...
I've made every effort to sudue my feelings that once flourished...
Made me feel gutless without you and with you courageous...
It could have been more than what it is...
If it had to end, it could have been more than a cliche than what it is...
I've trashed myself in hope to empty myself of these feelings...
Empty myself and start my healing....
Though it seems like a tedious task to me...
Then again, I thought you were madly in love with me...
I am only human to have made that grave a mistake...
Assuming to have a woman which will make my life like a piece of cake...
But since the day we went our separate ways...
I've taught myself never to dream and always stay awake...

- Maddy -
04:34... 15th May, 2007

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little virus or bug sometimes get into your head...
A virus/bug called 'love'....
A bug that starts controlling your brain, heart, kidneys, lungs.. Every friggin organ, sense and reflex of your being...
A virus that strengthens you and makes you feel invulnerable even if you're the only one against an army of 30,000 strong....
And makes you feel entirely worthless even when all the people of the world just wanna worship you for all eternity....
Ain't it stupid?
Or surprising?

Personally.. I think its surprisingly stupid!

To phir tay hai kay is janum nahi milna....

To phir taay hai kay is janum nahi milna hai...
Gar tay hai to phir yea ajeeb si baichaini kiyun?
Raat ko yea ajeeb si bekarari kiyun?
Wo subha ko uth kay wo malaal kiyun?
Kiyun har shaam daltay hi... Teri yaad ajati hai...
Kiyun har waqt mujhay meray akelay pan ka ehsaas dilati hai...

Gar yea tay hai kay is janum nahi milna to phir kiyuu har shaam wo park ki purani bench pay baith ta hoon?
Andhairay main tumsay baatain karta hoon..
Kay goya tum bus meray barabar main hi ho...
Zara sa udhar dekha.... aur ek gardan meray kandhay pay dhalki...

Gar yea taay hai kay is janum nahi milna, to phir har raat wo lamp ko jalana.... phir band karna....
Roshni kehtay hoay kay sab meray demag ka footor hai....
Andhaira tumhari yaadoon kay diyea jala kar tumharay ehsaas to masboot karta hai....

Gar yea taay hai.... To samjh lo tum bhi ek cheez....
Yea waqt mujhpay jo sitam dha raha hai.... Wo alag hai...
Yea to zulm waqt aur yaadain dha rahi hai... Wo alag hai....
Gor say dekhna... Jis kandhay ka sara tum aaj lay rahi ho... Us kandhay ko denay wala alag hai....
Mujhay nahi pata kay meri rooh kya chahti hai... Shayad meri sooch aur meri piyas kuch alag hai....

9th April, 2007 08:00 p.m
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There isn't much that I can comment on this piece of mine... :)

Yea duniya gar mil bhi jae to kya....

Yea duniya gar mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo sukoon phir say mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo ehsaas phir mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo saath phir mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo chain phir mil bhi jaee to kya....
Wo zulfoon ki chaon phir mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo tasali phir mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo raatoon ki neend phir mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo subha ki garmaish phir mil bhi jaee to kya...
Wo pyar phir mil bhi jaee to kya...

Yea duniya gar mil bhi jaee to kya....
Wo waqt wapis mil bhi jaee to kya...

- (v)@Ðð¥ -
18th March, 2007

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wont say that this is a poem... Rather some collective random thoughts that goes through a pessimist mind...
But if you observe closely.... Its not pessimism... Rather... An opinion... About some of the luxuries of life... About some blessings of this life... :)

Journey....

What shall I say, how should I weep...
All I wanna do is to snooze off to a life long sleep...

A sleep that'll patch all the shattered pieces of my mind...
A sleep that'll mend all the ruptured piece of my heart...

I didn't wanna be this person who'd judge you by your doings...
See you in the eye and find someone else's reflection...

We've had our differences, we've had our gaps...
But we made it work and we've finally arrived...

Arrived to a place where we hesitate to comfort eachother...
Holding eachother's hand yet feeling strangers....

I will kill to get that same feeling back again...
The feeling that made me feel that the world was right...
The feeling of having you besides me will save me from all the world's smite...

That beautiful illusion is fading away...
You hand is also slipping away...

Now is the time to think what went wrong and what was right...
Before the night falls and we say goodnight....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a song.. By Bryan Adams.. In the album called "Room Service"....
It had this line in it... That went like..

I can feel a change coming..
And I know its gonna make it last...
From now on...
We'll be going somewhere slowly...
Instead of going somewhere fast....

That is exactly what I learned...
Well.. Somewhat....

I tried to express a feeling that I once experienced...
Coming up to a place in a relationship... When all that once was good and beautiful about it.. Starts to fade up... Like the tide of time has erode all that once was there...
Maybe I was way to over myself.... Assuming all that...
But I certainly learned one thing...
Assumption is the mother of all fuckups...

Aaj bhi yaad hai mujhay... Ab talak yaad hai....

Wo subha ki sansanahat...
Wo teri bheegi si muskurahat...
Wo zulfoon main tera chehra chupana...
Wo mujhay dekh kay tera pyar say sharmana...
Aaj bhi yaad hai mujhay... Ab talak yaad hai..

Wo teri khusbhi.... wo teri garmyish...
Wo tera simatna meray ehsaas say...
Wo tera mujhsay lipatna.. apni khuahish say...
Aaj bhi yaad hai mujhay.. Ab talak yaad hai...

Wo bheegi si shaam.... wo sohndi khusbhi...
Wo teri baal shukhanay ki ada... Wo tera dupattay ko neechordna...
Aaj bhi yad hai mujhay.. Ab talak yaad hai...

Wo kajal bhari ankhain teri.. wo dheemi si awaz...
Wo jhagrdna tera... aur mana na tera...
Aaj bhi yaad hai mujhay.. Ab talak yaad hai...

Ab tu nahi... teri yaadoon ki loo bhi bujh rahi hai...
Kay meray dil main teri kasak bhi toot rahi hai...
Tujhay toot kay chah ha tha.. yea tujhay ab yaad ho kay na ho..
Wo aaj bhi yaad hai mujhay... ab talak yaad hai...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aaj bhi yaad hai mujhay... Ab talak yaad hai.... Monday 29th Jan, 2007... 0415 a.m
This particular piece is very near to my heart....
No matter if someday I'll take writing as a profession, or give up on it after a couple of days...
This piece will always be the best I've ever written...
Though I know there isn't much that meets the eyes... But only few, rather only 2 people on the face of this earth can really know what every line of this poetry truly holds within itself...
Every couplet has a history within itself...

And I still remember... All those events... I still remember them.... Vividly....

Zindagi kay kuch pal...

Zindagi kay kuch pal tumhare naam karta hoon.....
Aapni saari khushiyan tumhare naam karta hoon...

Kuch istarhan meri zindagi main shamil ho tum...
Kay har waqt tumhain hi yaad karta hoon....

Har waqt teri taak main rehta hai yea dil...
Main itna deewana sa kiyun horaha hoon?

toot kay bikhar jaonga teray janay kay baad...
Dil hi nahi apni zindagi tumhare hawalay kar raha hoon...

Baarson say dhoond raha tha tumhay, aaj mukamil hoi hai talash....
Absay apnay din-o-raat tumharay naam karta hoon...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wrote this particular piece on 10th July 2006...
When I first made my friends read it... They were like.... So finally you've found the one you were looking for...
I was like.. NO!!!! :P
Just wrote this piece on a beautiful saturday morning.. When the winds were whizzing by.. With the most relaxing sound....
Never knew tht later on in my life... I'll dedicate this piece to someone...
And then after that... I'll be left with words and expressions that will never allow me to write something like that ever again....